When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
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When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?