Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
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Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Peace was never an option
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.