Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
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“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Ain’t no way
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Best spot.. 😅
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.