Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
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We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Cheers Twitter.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!