“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
You Might Also Like
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.