Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
You Might Also Like
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
😩😩😩
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Blew out my flip flop…
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.