“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
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If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
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*students erupt in laughter*
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
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I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
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me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
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A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.