Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
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DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I need a headline like this
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.