Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
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The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
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Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.