Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
You Might Also Like
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
This made me chuckle.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Was it something I said?
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.