I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
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Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”