It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
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[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
what could possibly go wrong?
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this