Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
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[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.