I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
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A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.