If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
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You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
for all #parents out there