Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
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wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
mathematically impossible
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.