LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
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I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.