*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
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Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.