[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
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man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.