License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
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I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Hey I worked for it too!
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.