*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
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Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this