*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
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It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.