I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
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There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Bike for sale
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.