*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
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“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*