[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
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I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.