FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
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I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!