@figgled: #liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet.
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@BigBBanter: Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
@moose_chocolate: "Sobbing" autocorrected to "throbbing" and now my attempt at showing my sensitive side has taken a very different direction.
@jake_lach: My dealer texts to ask if I'm straight and I'm not even sure how that's relevant to our arrangement
@jergarl: [At gang interview] GangLeader: You wanna be in our gang Me: Yep GL: What qualities do you.. M: *Already snapping fingers GL: You're in