@AndyAsAdjective: FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
@bourgeoisalien: I'm sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.
@PleaseBeGneiss: WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
@SergioValenCo: If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You'll die, but the bear will suffer too.
@Truculent67: You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
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