@AndyAsAdjective: FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight? ME: uhh…yeah…of course [later] ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine

@bourgeoisalien: I'm sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.

@PleaseBeGneiss: WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

@SergioValenCo: If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You'll die, but the bear will suffer too.

@Truculent67: You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her