Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
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DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
Never forget.
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar