@figgled: #liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet.
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@AndyAsAdjective: FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight? ME: uhh…yeah…of course [later] ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
@bourgeoisalien: I'm sorry I asked if your toddler is a skinhead, but in my defense he is bald and always disproportionately angry.
@PleaseBeGneiss: WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
@SergioValenCo: If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You'll die, but the bear will suffer too.