@figgled: #liestoldbygirls I am an 18th century mahogany cabinet.
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@Jake_Vig: New trend: “Haunting” It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
@rudy_mustang: Publisher: did you finally finish your book about what clocks measure Me: yes it’s done Publisher: it's about time Me: i know, i wrote it
@LoveNLunchmeat: My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I'm very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
@AimeeHelene1: *slowly walking* *sees kid out of corner of my eye* Me: *walks faster* Kid: *walks faster* Me: *running at the swings, screaming* MIIIIIINE!