@InternetHippo: Me (bumping into someone): Oh no, I’m sorry. Sorry. So very sorry Talent scout for brand’s social media job: Young man, what’s your name

@tinatbh: Interviewer: So what do you have planned for the future? Me: Lunch Interviewer: No like long term. Me: Oh...Dinner.

@cogentanalysis: Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can't help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

@E_lok44: She had a LITTLE lamb? No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.

@girl_a_whirl: A spider crawled on my son's hand today. I did what any father would do. I mean, Luke Skywalker seems like a productive member of society.