Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
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Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
that lip filler tho
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Banana is the quietest snack
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge