Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
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Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.