[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
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Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.