LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
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Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
This hospital has everything
LMAO
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
live long and prosper!
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
A dad and his duck
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”