@DKSC4LIFE: LIFE HACK: If you’re a spy, marry a vegan. They won’t be upset when they find out you’re a plant.
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@duplicitron: Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.
@AngelaEhh: Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers: Please add : 'Don't trust a fart' to your side effects label. kthanksbye
@LurkAtHomeMom: Time for bed! *puts phone down* Oops, forgot to set my alarm! *picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
@vanderheydensax: [Name origins] Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour. Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil. Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.