How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
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I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
What kind of a cult is this?
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw