Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
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As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?