Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
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Shoo shoo! 😂
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*