Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
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Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
me
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves