LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
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I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.