LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
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“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat