@DanMentos: LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors' noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
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@ShittyComedian: No officer the joke's on you. That breathalyzer will never tell you how much acid I dropped tonight.
@AbrasiveGhost: INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put "has dominion over bees"? ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off