@DanMentos: LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors' noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
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@mattZillaaaa: *changes voicemail recording to "your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
@JaimeSamantha: It's wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
@lovemydogduck: During the day I don't believe in ghosts, But at night I'm a little bit more open minded
@Fred_Delicious: [Biden runs into the oval office] "Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed"