@DanMentos: LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors' noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
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@RappaRick: "Can't touch this." "Can't touch this." "Can't touch this." --MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
@Underchilde: The fastest way to get to the front of the line at Starbucks is just to tell everyone you saw Adele outside.
@Parker_Simpson: On toilet in a stall playin TigerWoods on phone.eagled a par5.Crowd cheered.Pretty sure guy in the next stall thought I just took epic dump
@Donnie_Fairburn: [On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym] Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn? Her: Yup Me: Me too! Her: How? Your machine isn't even on