[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
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When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Why is no one talking about this?!
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.