The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
You Might Also Like
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk