life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
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An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.