Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
You Might Also Like
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
why would tinder want me to say this
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
I think this cat is broken
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again