Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
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I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.