@DeepDarkFear: Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
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@_SetTheHook_: I'm just gonna put an egg under my kid's pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must've went out drinking the night before.
@Manda_like_wine: Always buy 'hand wash only' shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a 'hand wash only' basket for 15 years.
@FrenulumBreve: [romantic dinner] her: "I was hoping it might just be the two of us." ventriloquist dummy: "he said I help with his confidence."