Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
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When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
I’m sorry…what?
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE