Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
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Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
hey, alexa
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
Growing out my freckles.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else