Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
You Might Also Like
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”