Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
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Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”