Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
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Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.