@SamGrittner: Life is what happens when you're busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
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@buttgh0st: [at club] DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE "WHAT?" [does stabbing and offering motion] A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE
@Wakenbake77: Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there's a cop hiding in the bushes
@TheMichaelRock: Me: Sorry I got drunk and ate all the bacon. Wife: You ate Beggin' Strips. *me to the dog* Sorry I got drunk and ate all of your bacon.