I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
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I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.