Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
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Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur