Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
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on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
He’s dead
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*